Aftermath: My Blessing No 3

Nearly a week ago, I was 7-8 weeks pregnant. It was relatively an easy pregnancy for me, no sickness and I enjoyed All-you-can-eat moment. And then, I had a miscarriage.

Last Thursday, Prof Hashim has confirmed that the sac has collapsed. For such case, there are a few possible workarounds includes medical management or a brief surgery known as D&C.

Prof sempat tanya kalau I ada makan since last night, malangnya (atau tidak malang sebenarnya) baru je lepas lunch masa otw ke hospital. Prof kata, kalau x makan lagi boleh buat D&C harini. Before D&C procedure nak kena puasa semalaman. Memandangkan condition saya masih okay, Prof suggest untuk naturally remove the sac/baby. So I was prescribed with Misoprostol to be orally taken within 5 days. Tapi risau jugak selepas ambil ubat kalau-kalau masih perlu buat D&C <insert icon pejam mata kuat-kuat here>

Day 1: Nervous jugak nak ambil ubat ni. Entah macamana sakit la nanti lepas makan. When I asked 'Macam period pain ke Prof?'. He replied 'Slightly more'

glup! 

Day 1 seems fine, bleeding masih normal. Cuma badan mula rasa sakit2 macam nak demam.

Day 2: Masih lagi bleeding yang normal pada awal paginya. Tapi badan makin aching, rasanya selepas bersalin pun tak rasa macam ni. I called kakak tukang urut, mujur dia dapat datang hari yang sama. Lepas urut badan rasa segar sikit and bleeding makin banyak. Lepas urut, I continue with tuam perut. I think that really helps, lebih lancar proses pengeluaran darah tersebut, I guess.

Day 3: Okay. Harini badan rasa sangat tak sihat. Tak tahu lah nak describe macamana, rasa nak demam pun ada. Lebih banyak bleeding and start keluar ketulan. That was a good sign. Tapi setiap kali nak keluar tu, perut bukan main cramp. At times rasa macam contraction. Tuam lagi. Dan kemudian duduk dalam toilet cuba teran. That helps as well. Masa teran barulah ketulan2 keluar. The whole day memang rasa tak sihat.

Day 4: Alhamdulillah I felt much better. Bleeding masih banyak tapi kurang pekat. Body was no longer aching. Masih teruskan tuam perut. Until one time I went to poo-poo, a big 'thing' came out and lepas tu betul2 lega. It was a relief and sad at the same time.

Day 5: Today. Pesan Prof, dah hari ke-5 pergi emergency scan untuk tengok kalau masih ada yang tertinggal.

Awal pagi tadi kami ke O&G Emergency HUKM. There are a few assessment yang diorang akan buat untuk pastikan it's a complete miscarriage.

1. Speculum test (excuse my term) untuk tengok kalau masih ada active bleeding.

2. Ultrasound scan to see the womb condition to see if any remnants of the pregnancy remain in the uterus.

3. Dan kalau ultrasound scan is unable to show clearer view, doctor will perform transvaginal scan.

For my case, there was no active bleeding, rahim dah tertutup/bercantum - it shows a straight line indicates no more sac in there. Bila buat VE, jalan di pangkal cervix pun dah tutup. Rupanya, 'jalan' terbuka semasa keguguran. 

I also had a complete miscarriage, which meant that I didn’t have to schedule a D&C. There were no baby bits left behind that needed scraping out.

Alhamdulillah.

While staring at the ultrasound of my empty uterus was sad and frustrating, my pregnancy has ended, no more babymoon - it also meant that my body was that much closer to “back to normal" and we're ready to Rock&Roll and keep trying! 

Bertenang.. Bertenang... Mommy ni penyabar orangnya ;p

I just hope I can quickly recover physically and emotionally.

My Blessing No 3

I've been waiting to write about my blessing no 3 since many weeks ago. I didn't have a chance until today. But the story that I intend to write at the first place has changed.

Sejak bersalinkan Umar, my menses didn't return. In a way, it's good for family planning :) tapi since dah more than a year, maybe we should be more cautious if we're not yet ready. Speaking about readiness, when can we be really ready? Bila orang tanya bila nak tambah, common answer 'biarlah dulu' sambil senyum kambing. Hehehe Tapi dalam hati, ada baby pun best. Dan bila terfikir bestnya ada baby, terfikir pulak commitment, energy, resources, time, financial yang kita currently ada to offer to that new baby. Buat kita ada second thought. Okay, takde dulu pun xpe. Kebiasaanya akan berbolak-balik, nak - tak nak, nampak baby rasa nak, bila badan penat anak2 buat hal, rasa tak jadi lah nak ;p

Until, the pregnancy test indicates double line, means positive, means you're pregnant, means ready or not here I come!

And the only feeling we have at that time is 'Excitement'. We wont care about readiness anymore :)

Hujung bulan 8, I always thought about being pregnant. I dont have sickness or nauseous yet and my period is due for 1 year and 7 months, so no indication at all. It's just I noticed I started to have a nice round belly and sometimes it's hard. Walaupun antara kemungkinan yang menyebabkan itu berlaku adalah hasil memakan tanpa henti rendang, lemang, nasi himpit masa hari raya, tapi macam ada instinct yang mungkin there's something inside.

I kept on delaying to check. On 4th September, i bought the pregnancy stick, went in to toilet, peed on it and the double lines were quickly appear. Red and clear.

Mulut terlopong. Kemudian, tergelak. Okay, ada nangis kegembiraan sikit. Overwhelmed.

I remember masa Amir, I did the test 3 days before period due, negative. And repeat a day before period due, positive but the line was not that clear.

Jadi agak-gaknya lines yg clear macamni dah berapa minggu lah gamaknya. That night, we went to clinic to scan. It was still very small, doctor assumed it was still 3-4 weeks. I was glad I detected that early so I wont miss to consume supplement required for early pregnancy :) So, this is it.. A mother of two and pregnant with the 3rd one. I am one happy mother.

The following week, 10th Sep I went for antenatal checkup at KKIA Batu 9, Cheras. The plan was first and 2nd trimester just pergi checkup at KKIA then only in my 3rd, we'll go and see my gynae at UKMSC. Cost-efficient.

During the checkup, doc has confirmed I was 4 weeks pregnant. We can't see any fetal echo just yet. I got another appointment one month later, 15 Oct.

I always curious how many weeks is my blessing no 3 already. 3 weeks after the last checkup, I went to a clinic because I was suffering from hemarroid. Sambil menyelam minum air, I request untuk buat scan sekali. The sac has grown, no fetal echo seen yet and the size was 6w0d. Doc cakap maybe memang masih kecil, it's normal to not see the fetus/heartbeat. 

Frankly, I was worried. Last 3 weeks, I was 4 weeks pregnant. But you know, I dont have last menstrual date jadi nothing can verify the most accurate week. Doc suggest I scan semula another week.

I walked to my car and .. burst. My previous pregnancies shown accurate week each week throughout the 9 months. We can see Amir's heartbeat at week 6, the size was 0.57cm. Through readings, there are cases they failed to see the baby at week 6 but weeks later they finally see the heartbeat. That helps to soothe me.

I contacted Prof Hashim, my gynae tru SMS, explained to him about situation amd asked if I can see him the next day. Within minutes, he replied 'Ok, pagi'

Such a relief. 

It took me quite awhile to drive home to pickup kids. It almost maghrib so I stopped at nearby surau. When I almost reach the babysitter house I got a call from my aunt, my uncle was nazak. And soon after that, we learnt that he has passed away. The very next morning we went back to my hometown and reschedule my appointment.

2 days after I went for last scan, 30th September, Prof Hashim has confirmed I am 6 weeks pregnant, the sac looks fine and he can actually see the baby still very small which I can't barely see it ;p

Prof presribed me with Duphaston, hope akan membantu kuatkan rahim. And will see Prof again in two weeks time - mommy can't wait to see your heartbeat!

The week after, which is last Monday. Umar was admitted to KPJ Kajang due to bronchopneumonia. Luckily nothing s serious, he can be discharged three days after. Wednesday morning, 8th October, I found blood spot. Hati runtuh. Since Ami was around and boleh babysit our kids, I took cab to Emergency Hosp Kajang.

At the general emergency department, they scan and one of the doctors said it's too small for 6-7 weeks but he saw the heartbeat. Senang hati mommy. Later, they brought me to klinik O&G. *At HUKM, you can go directly go to emergency O&G. Lebih mudah.

Di Klinik O&G the checked and confirmed no active bleeding. Lagi senang hati. Kemudian, buat transvaginal ultrasound so we can get more accurate reading.

And it shows, the pregnancy was 6w0d and no heartbeat at all. Sebahagian hati runtuh lagi. Since kes ini cuma blood spot, dan pregnancy baru 5-6 mggu pada mereka, saya disarankan datang seminggu lagi atau bila lebih banyak darah keluar. *kalau mengikut calculation saya; sekiranya sekarang memang saya 6 mggu pregnant adakah maksudnya masa saya buat test awal bulan lepas saya 0-1 week pregnant? Impossible.

Takpelah kita jumpa lagi seminggu. 

Selesai urusan discharge Umar pada haritu, we were finally home. Unpack bags, kemas rumah sikit2. I noticed makin bleeding. They were not spots anymore. Get an appointment with Prof Hashim for the next day.

Since dah cuti 2 hari sebab jaga Umar, Khamis pagi, 9th October I went to conduct my lecture, buat class ararngement for Friday (today) and the following week in case I'll be on medical leave. I rushed to do a number of things before 1pm, kalau boleh nak jumpa Prof seawal pukul 2pm. Perut makin cramp and I was still bleeding. Around 1-ish baru betul2 setel, packed my bags and ready to go. But I just can't. I know I wont have the baby. Stucked at my desk.  I cried. I hold back my feelings for too long. Tapi nak buat macamana kan, itulah dia yang berlaku. Takpelah nangis kejap, jap lagi berhenti and I'll continue walking.

Once done, drove myself to UKMSC.

Nearly 3pm, baru dapat jumpa Prof. Bila scan, it's confirmed the sac has collapsed. Prof suggest makan ubat untuk jatuhkan sac, mungkin tak perlu buat D&C. Next week pergi scan untuk confirm if the womb is clear. Okay Prof! I expected this to happen, sedih tapi xpelah.

Kemudian I sat near to pharmacy counter. They called my name and explained how to take the medication. The moment he passed the medication to me, I broke down again. Cemas kejap pharmacist tu, sian dia. Hahaha

I walked out but could not walk far. I sat again at the bench outside clinic, cover my face with my tudung and here we go clearing lungs and tears again. It's official that I had a miscarriage.

Allah knows better. He has a better plan for us. I told Amir last night that there's no more baby in my tummy. He hugged mommy and sambung main hehehe

The fact that my child is waiting for me in Jannah, the happiness that Allah lend to us for the past month, the feeling of waking up every morning with reasons - i'm expecting a baby, will see him/her soon in 7 months :- Ini semua pun rezeki. After all, I'm sincerely grateful atas apa yang berlaku. Certain things we have to let go while many others we still have the chance to keep.

First ultrasound to confirm pregnancy, 3-4 weeks.

The last seen sac at 6 weeks.

I found this since my first pregnancy, such a beautiful quote.