13 September

1 hari selepas kelahiran Amir.

Prof Hashim kata if nak balik dah boleh discharge, but we decided to stay 1 more night in case ada relative or friend yang nak datang visit before I berpantang di Kuala Pilah.

Malam 13 September, lebih kurang 12.30-1 pagi, Amir asyik menangis. Tengah sibuk memujuk, ada incoming call - no telefon rumah Banglang's in law. I quickly picked up, MIL Banglang call asking for my eldest brother's number. I terus bagi without asking because Amir still crying. Bila Amir dah cool down I terfikir kenapa MIL tanya no fon Bangngah. I terus dialed no Banglang. Lama ringing then someone else answered, his friend. My heart was racing. He did mentioned about my brother was in hospital, he could not tell me anything on the phone and asked me to come to the hospital. I said I can't come and forced him to tell me. But he still not telling me anything.

I told Ami. Risaunya, what could have happened to Banglang. Accident? Robbed? What is it???
At that time I mintak nurse jaga Amir at nursery. I was restless. Rasa risau, nak nangis tapi tak boleh nangis. I called Bangngah. Tapi Kak taty yang answer my call. She just told me Banglang at hospital, Bangngah will take care of the situation. But what is it? At least I tau Banglang ada di hospital. Kak taty told me to be calm and relax, jangan risau.

I totally can't relax. I called parents in law Banglang. His father in law which I called atuk, he keep silent when I asked. He could not say a word. Then he asked to talk to Ami instead. Ami bercakap dengan atuk outside the room for maybe 5 minutes. I started to cry, membayangkan perkara yang mungkin terjadi pada Banglang. When Ami stepped into the room, Ami kata atuk tak cakap apa-apa.

Next I called Kakteh. When she picked up the phone, I heard she s crying. What happened to him? She continues crying. For god sake I need to know, he's my brother! When she calms down, she said Banglang sesak nafas and ada kat hospital. Kakteh akan pergi tengok, so she asked me to relax jangan risau.

Ok.

But that didn't last long. I tertanya-tanya lagi, if it really is kenapa Kakteh menangis-nangis macam tu. I cuba lelap mata tapi tak boleh. I duduk je atas katil sambil holding my phone waiting for any update.

4.30 am, I called my cousin. I bet she knows what happen and I was confident I can convince her to tell me. It took me quite a long time for her to tell me what happen. Bila I tanya apa jadi, she cry.. And cry.. And cry.. And cry.. I know Munira try to tell me but she just can't. Eventually, she said it.. Banglang dah meninggal.

Banglang meninggal due to sesak nafas in his car. By the time police sampai, maybe he was no longer breathing.

Sedih. Tapi I bersyukur sebab bukanlah pekara yang buruk2 berlaku pada Banglang. Cuma dah sampai ajalnya.

Walaupun dalam pantang and baru 3 hari bersalin, tetap I nak pergi ziarah Banglang. Tengok buat kali terakhir. Some people are very concern about my condition. I just don't give a damn. Orang kata pantang tak boleh itu, tak boleh ini.. I rebel. Tak tahu pada siapa.

Ke hari ini, dah 7 bulan setengah I didn't see my brother. Memang takkan jumpa lagi. It was so hard at the beginning. Bila bangun malam susukan Amir, cepat je terlintas di fikiran.. Terbayang-bayang arwah. Even now, bila drive pergi kerja.. Lalu pulak kat tempat2 we used to hang out, masih tebal ingatan terhadap Banglang.

Bila harini terdengar pulak berita kematian my friend, terus teringat Banglang. I'm pretty sure I can imagine how sad it is for my friend's family. Semua macam sekelip mata.

The night before, Banglang came to visit me and Amir. He wore baju melayu putih, well I know it was Raya tapi I saja tegur 'kenapa pakai baju melayu putih ni macam nak pegi kahwin je'
According to his wife, memang tu baju melayu masa kahwin if I'm not mistaken.

So ya..I have that captured in my mind, Banglang dalam baju melayu putih berdiri sambil dukung his child.

Bila I fikir I as his sister, sedih macam ni. How about his wife? Or Bangngah yang sama-sama membesar dengan Banglang? Atau ayah... ? He once said 'Ingatkan ayah mati dulu, rupanya anak ayah'

Ayah memang tak pandai nak tunjuk sayang or sedih, but after my brother passed away. Ayah jadi grumpy. Bila tengok cucu-cucu, anak Banglang. I can tell ayah sangat sedih. Imagine if we have to lose our child. Memang tak terbayang.

Luckily we have family portrait at home, it was taken masa raya 2 tahun lepas. It was Banglang's idea nak ambil gambar family. We have one family photo with my late mother, taken in 1995 before Bangngah sambung study abroad. And it was emak's idea to take the photo. A year later, emak meninggal dunia.

Sedih but I can't dwelling on the past. Ada orang yang lebih sedih that I should support and make them happy. I have my husband and Amir that I should shower them with love. Play my role as a wife and a mother.

semoga Banglang tenang di sana. I harap dia dah maafkan salah silap, halalkan makan minum. He such a great brother! And I still have another great brother. I'm blessed.

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